kneeling_roses

Foolish Girl...

2009-09-24T01:28:39Z

So here I am. Sitting in YOUR room. Trying to pass the time by. I wanted so much time to myself. To live my own life. And you went and made plans with your friends. I'm happy. But at the same time hurt that I wasn't invited. I KNOW I"M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE. I know this. So why am I crying?

I keep saying and thinking that I'm going to move out. I know its going to happen. But you keep telling me that you don't want me to go. I have a feeling that someone likes you right now. I don't know how to explain it. You are going to get fixed up. You shaved and showered tonight. You never did that for me, and suddenly I'm suspicious.

Whatever.

I hope she makes you happy. Who ever this chick is. I'm sick of life and waking up to the same old bullshit.

I have a feeling things are going to happen so fast, I won't know whats happening.

You'll have a girlfriend.
I'll cry and be jealous.

I can't act normal.
I can't be normal.
I will always be this way.

Everything happens for a reason.

Virtual Gift.....

2007-07-21T16:36:58Z

Somebody bought me a virtual gift of roses.....Hmmmm? Its an extremely sweet gesture, but it'd be more sweet if I knew who it was. I have a feeling I know who it is, because I searched my email address with google and my journal pops up. But to whomever it is, Thanks. It made my day start off nicely.

Bummer...

2006-10-18T02:24:04Z

I know that theres a chick with my name on Guiding Light...but I didn't know my name was that common!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
287
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

kneeling_roses @ 2006-06-17T09:55:00

2006-06-17T16:55:53Z

I started takin vitamins in hopes they'll help improve my mood. I'm not working much lately. That means less money. I'm mostly hugely bored with everything. I mean there is little things that make me happy, but overall, I'm struggling to entertain myself. Today there was an option of doing something new, but matts not interested and I don't want to go by myself. I'm bummed.

=(

2006-06-03T05:44:46Z

I don't know if its my birth control or something else. But for the past two weeks I've felt ANGRY. Just pissed off at everything. I'm so confused. Like right now, I want to just punch things. How I wish I could just calm down.

kneeling_roses @ 2006-05-17T15:18:00

2006-05-17T22:18:23Z

Today the house got a little smaller. And my feelings got a little louder.

Lets bloo this....

2006-05-12T04:15:40Z

What have I been up to?

-Working myself to death. This week I'm working in SF making more than twice as much as I do at Pizza Slut.

-Being Betty Homemaker. Me and Matt are good. Swell I'd even say. I love him to death

-I'm thinking of having a barbeque and inviting all my friends over.

-I'm going to Ozzfest June?July? 1st. Gonna see the Red Hot chili peps in August too. This is good. Getting out of the house rocks!

-I work alot. And come home and play house. Then sleep. Exciting huh?

I need to make dinner...I gotta go to sleep soon.

Songs I'm in love with right now...

2006-03-18T07:52:20Z

Love will tear us apart-joy division (is on Donnie Darko and it reminds me of it)

Add it up- Violent Femmes (I've always loved this song because...well it makes me wanna fuck. "Nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs
")

Go with the Flow-Queens of the Stone Age (Don't know what it is about this song, but I can listen to it over and over)

Perfect Situation-Weezer(What can I say..I'm a sucker for weezer. Yeah call me emo and see if I kick your ass)

Tear you apart-She wants Revenge (Another song that makes me hot!)

Under the Milky Way- The church (I think its on Donnie Darko also. Or else it should be.)

The Killing Moon- Echo and the Bunnymen (Reminds me of Gia...Thats all)

Violet-Hole (I dislike Courtney Love, but I think this song is fucking great. )

Tommorrow Wendy- Concrete Blonde (I've liked this song since the day I heard it. I don't know what it is about it, but I think its awesome)

kneeling_roses @ 2006-03-17T00:50:00

2006-03-17T08:51:01Z

So..
I remember long ago when I said I'd never get a cell phone. And then I got one.

I remember when everyone got an ipod and I was puzzled by all the hub-bub. Those things were expensive..and then you had to BUY music to put on it! Sheesh.

And then tonight I bought one. Heh. Yeah I'm years behind the revolution. But I'm fine with that. I've only put 15 songs on it, but I'm freaking amazed by this thing. I think its my new love. I can see why people get wrapped up in it. I want little accessories for it. I want to fill it up. I'm in love! I keep touching it, fondling it...I'm amazed by its sensitivity to touch. I'm about to go organize the CDs I have that I'm going to put on it. My god..what have I gotten myself into to!?

I originally didn't want to take/post this ..

2006-02-24T00:05:42Z

But damn if they haven't gotten most people spot on. Hahah..Spot on. Yeah..anyway.

the Romantic
Test finished!

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
are very sensitive
feel that they don't fit in
believe they are missing something that other people have
attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

help their children become who they really are
support their children's creativity and originality
are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BY

Would you rather have chosen:

AY (EIGHT)

CY (SIX)

BX (NINE)

BZ (FIVE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 26% on ABC

You scored higher than 53% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

kneeling_roses @ 2006-02-14T00:37:00

2006-02-14T08:38:14Z

In the 11 years I've known Matt, he's never bought me flowers. Once long ago when we first started dating and we were teenagers, I told him to get me flowers. He picked a rose from my neighbors yard. I was so charmed.

Tonight, I got so pissed at him for reasons I won't reveal. I left for work 20 minutes early just so I wouldn't start screaming at him. I really wanted to cry. I just talked some of it over with a co-worker and left it at that. As I was leaving work the phone rang. It was Matt wanting to know when I was coming home. I told him I was on my way out the door. I was still annoyed and drove home blasting System of a Down as loud as I could. I get home and Matt asks me what took me so long. I was irritated then and went to my room and turned on System and blasted it. He then came in and told me he had to show me something. I took my time, changing out of my uniform and folding clothes. He then dragged me into the kitchen and smiled. HE BOUGHT ME FLOWERS. He told me Happy Valentines Day and I told him he was stupid because we've never celebrated Valentines Day ever. But I was grinning. I asked him why he bought me flowers and he said when I left, I looked at him like I hated him. I was pissed when I left earlier. He felt bad and walked down to the nearest corner that was selling flowers and bought some and a vase. He won't tell me how much he spent, and I'm wondering where he got the money because we're broke. Either way, he cheered me up. and i love him.

kneeling_roses @ 2006-01-14T10:52:00

2006-01-14T18:52:10Z

*sigh*

This poem just made me cry...

2006-01-09T08:21:51Z

Stetch Marks and Cellulite
-By Pamela Sneed

Mirror, Mirror on the wall
can't my feet be smaller, hair straighter,
thicker, shorter, longer
butt tighter, firmer
nose wider, thinner
eyes browner, bluer, greener
tits smaller, higher, rounder, less droopy?
Is there some way
I can get rid of these marks
stretched across my breasts, my ass
can't my legs be like silk stockings
and why do we have to scar at all
Mirror, Mirror, answer me

I asked my lover if i have cellulite
my trainer at the gym
a complete stranger and
a one night stand
Do I have it?

I want to be the object
of my own desire
lean and mean
like a sex machine
a brick house
solid as a rock
I want years of good nutrition
and to stop standing on my feet
forty hours a week
I want to look like
I've never worked at all
and never had to worry about it.

I have turned off lights
undressed undercover
wrapped fingers around
the thickness of your waist
my tongue tasted every
creamy saltwater concoction
your body would create
kissed between your toes
sides of your stomach
still i fear
the circus freak
500-hundred-pound lady
who commits suicide
to screams of laughter
we are buried in diets
anorexia
sunken sallow
skeletons of women
hidden in closets
for centuries
fat wraps
loofah
skin care products
Vogue and Elle
buy, sell yourself
squeezed in size 9 dresses
bones protruding from empty hips
and death is as easy as a Cosmopolitan diet
of grapefruit juice
vomit
vomit
every day more vomit
more blood we shit out
trying to be what we can't
keep dying
on operating tables from
liposuction
fat reduction
babies are born
and mothers don't always
regain their shapes.

kneeling_roses @ 2005-12-14T14:35:00

2005-12-14T22:35:05Z

i bought Matisyahu's CD last night.
my birthday was last week.
I could type for hours but none of it would matter.
i'm actually bored for the first time in awhile. Today is my day off and my goals were acheived. I did nothing but lay around and watch tv. I'm not off to take a nap and hopefully matt will wake up and we'll frolic around the house.

kneeling_roses @ 2005-11-24T17:23:00

2005-11-25T01:23:46Z

You know what I hate?

Icons of girls and their boyfriends kissing.

I don't know why, I just can't stand them.

kneeling_roses @ 2005-10-26T15:44:00

2005-10-26T22:48:41Z

I dropped out of school for the semester. I feel so much better now. I wasn't getting any sleep before, but now I am. I fill that time now with babysitting my little nephew. Stuff is finally getting taken to the other house in Davis. I'm excited. I'll completely explode when this house (matts house (our house))is near empty. I'm bored. Matts asleep right now. I have permission to wake him up in 1 hour and 20 minutes. Bah. This house if freezing, but I refuse to turn on the heater. I need to buy another blanket for my bed. one blanket at night is not cutting it. I'm going to go eat Mac and cheese. yay!

short update

2005-10-09T21:04:13Z

I went to System of a Down concert. I loved it. It fucking rocked and was so cool. But I've learned I'm too old to headbang. My neck hurts BAD. My voice is all raspy. And my body is so sore. But it was oh so worth it. I officially live at Matts house. I don't know if I mentioned that. Updates will be sparse because I don't feel comfortable updating there yet. I'm at my Moms house eating her food.
that is all.

SQUEEEEE!

2005-09-19T17:37:49Z

Matts parents moved his sisters stuff out of her room.

*squee*

I start moving my shit in on my next day off which is Wednesday.

*squee*

I'm scared and excited at the same time.

kneeling_roses @ 2005-08-26T10:47:00

2005-08-26T17:59:21Z

I've been offered a position as assistant manager. I'd be making anywhere from 1-2 dollars more. I told my manager I'd take it as long as I didn't have to work more than 35 hours a week due to my schooling. He said that was fine. We're going to talk about it more when he gets back from vacation. I'm a little excited, but the circumstances are not good. We have an assistant manager. She's a nice person and all, but she's a crappy assistant manager. She takes no resposibility for her actions and my manager doesn't want her at his store. He wants her to go back to Stockton. She started here, tranferred to Stockton and then transferred back. Now, she was told by my managers boss that she's very close to being demoted. The next day my manager wrote her up and told her it was a final warning. They're desperate to get rid of her, and I feel bad knowing that they probably will succeed, and that I will be taking her job. I talked to some other shifts and they all agreed that I should take the job. Even the General Manager of another store, and 2 people higher up on the "in-charge" chain agree that I should take it. So I think I might. More money would be interesting. The only thing is learning new things. I'm not looking forward to doing inventory, and making the schedule. But I'm pretty sure it'll be good. Me and another shift manager have taken it upon ourselves to better our store. I'm glad I have someone to support me and stuff and I realized the other day that she's a pretty good friend.

As for other news? Nothing much. School is kicking my ass because I have to wake up early. Its pretty easy, but I keep nodding off in my first class.

Me and Matt are fine. I glad that boy takes all my shit and still stays with me even though I'm absolutely nuts. My jealousy got the best of me the other day and I exploded. He's so great and calms me down and tells me I'm crazy and all that good stuff. His birthday is coming up in like 2 weeks. I don't know what to do for him. He doesn't want to do anything. I told him I'd take him out to buy some new shoes and pamper him all day basically. He said he's fine with that.

Well I'm off to make some stuff on the the computer for the store and then eat lunch and take a nap before work.

kneeling_roses @ 2005-08-06T14:45:00

2005-08-06T21:51:04Z

I'm soooooo tired.

Today is my friday. Finally a day off tommorrow. I've been working since last Wednesday. No day off. 8-10 hours a day. NO BREAKS!

My shoulder is incredibly fucked up. And me not having a day off to rest has been making it worse.

I had a dream last night that Matts been seeing a girl on the side. I woke up and almost started crying. I'm so dumb sometimes.

School starts in almost a week. I need to hurry up and get my books.

Its hella hot and I'm waiting for my work clothes to finish washing so I can put them in the dryer and hop in the shower.

I wish I didn't have to work. BOO!

kneeling_roses @ 2005-07-21T10:05:00

2005-07-21T17:21:25Z

Yesterday I bought System Of a Down tickets.

I didn't buy Tori Amos tickets...

I didn't buy NIN tickets....

I told Matt that I was going to see System and that he had no say.

He then said, "I'd rather go see Tori with you".

I DO want to see Tori. But I wouldn't enjoy the show with him. He'd comment on Tori's weird antics and ruin the show for me. He'd look at me funny while I cried on certain songs. Last time I saw Tori, I told my guest that I was basically going to ignore her for most of the show because I was there to watch and listen to the redhead on stage. It was a fantastic show. ( I still haven't bought her new CD either. I'm horrible)

But I can't pass up my chance to see System. They're my new favorite band. I soak them up. I listened to Steal this Album for weeks on end waiting for Mesmerize to come out. I love Mesmerize. I love Toxicity. I can't wait for Hypnotize. ANd I need to see a rock show anyways. Its been show long since I've rocked out and just let go.

In other news, I was woken up this morning with a message from Delta College telling me my English class got cancelled. I scrambled online to find a replacement, but none of them work with my schedule. So I'm only taking 2 classes this semester. Bummer, but not really. I hate going to school, especially since I'll be working full time.

Anyways, Matt's at the orthodontist and I need to get some laundry done.

and I leave you with an improvised intro that Tori does on Caught a lite Sneeze.

i hurt myself today
you never could
you never did
you're full of shit
you never did

kneeling_roses @ 2005-07-13T21:03:00

2005-07-14T04:04:00Z

I pray for a day..in which I do not cry.

kneeling_roses @ 2005-07-12T12:56:00

2005-07-12T19:57:41Z

Tori Amos with Imogene Heap on September 11. I am so there. I don't care if I have to go alone. I need to see Tori again and I LOOOOVE Imogene Heap.

2 and half weeks later is NIN. *drools*

In other news, its my day off and my paycheck in my pocket is huuuuge. I'm off to shower and buy stuff. WOOT!

kneeling_roses @ 2005-07-06T13:56:00

2005-07-06T21:01:41Z

Is my PMS getting worse?

I'm due for my period in 3 days. I feel like killing everyone. I keep crying. I feel worthless. Is my depression coming back, or is this just PMS?

FUCK!

Last night I almost lost it with Matt.

We're like two tigers kept in a small cage. I started getting restless, so I came home to eat dinner. I hop online and he tells me he's chatting with some girls. My IMs go unanswered for a while. So I go back to his house and sit IN HIS ROOM BY MYFUCKINGSELF. I get up and ask him what he's doing. He pulls attitude with me and we're on the verge of fighting. We ended up going to a friends house and on the way back we start talking. I told him I don't mind him going online, I just don't want to be ignored. Next thing we know, we're laughing because of the way we think. Matt always asks me if I hate him. I always think he's on the verge of tossing me aside. So I told him last night that it was more likely for him to hate me than the opposite.
I dunno.
I feel really restless and irritable.
and I don't want to work at all today. fuck.

kneeling_roses @ 2005-07-05T22:16:00

2005-07-06T05:18:46Z

I'm being ignored by my boyfriend online because he's busy chatting to other girls. Lovely.

Excuse me while I bang my head against a wall.